I'm single.

Andy broke up with me on the 7th. He quit his job at Alto Cinco, the Mexican place down the street, and is now doing home inspections with his friends Dad. He is a high position, is making more money, and basically has a real job now. The job involves him driving all around Ny state and makes him work long hours, even 7 days straight. He has been calling me less and evetually didn't call me for a week straight. Long story short, he broke it off with me saying that he loves me, but because he is so busy and stressed, he doesn't have time for me and it's unfair to me. So, we brokeup. He did this over the phone, PS.

I don't know what to think. I think I'm giving him too much credit by trying my hardest to be happy for him because he has an actual career and is finally doing something for himself. He even told me that if it weren't for me, there would be no way he'd do this. He has always told me that since we were first going out, I have motivated him to be a better person because he wants to be good to me. But at the same time I can't help but be distrustful and think that he stopped loving me, and is using this an excuse. I'm so fucking heartbroken...

I know I'm only 21 and I know I'm going sound stupid saying this, but I really do think I lost the love of my life. I don't know if I can find someone who understood me like he did and love me the way he did. I really don't. Fuck, this is going to take me forever to get over... I seriously thought this was going to last for forever. He made a card for me on Valentine's Day pretty much saying that. I knew that there'd be an eventual rough patch, come gradutation because I don't plan on staying in Syracuse. I can't stay here. I've grown to love this place but there is nothing for me here, career wise. I've even toyed with the idea of going to grad school here for Art Video, but I don't think it would be the best use of my time. However, I never thought that we break up over something like this.

School's alright, aside from the fact that my last project for Comm Design has been driving me insane because I haven't been able to focus. Plus my professor, is really giving me a hard time with this. I don't know, I just feel drained of creativity. I can't really wait for break, in two days.

I've had a good weekend, hosting a potluck and all at my house. But I've made some unsavory desicions. I don't want to get into it in detail on here, but it was something I needed.

I still love you Andy. You left me speechless.

Despite the stress and anguish I was feeling when I wrote the last entry, I can't complete I was stupid not to mention how I snagged this FOR FREE:



Yes... that is a 15" Unibody MacBook Pro that is mine, and it cost a grand total of $0.00. The guy repairing my old MacBook Pro at the Apple Store said that the screen wasn't working due to a factory defect and because the part they needed to replace it won't be availiable until December, they decided to give me a brand new shiny computer! They even transferred my hardrive with all my files to the new one. When I got the news I ran around my apartment like complete spazz. Sometimes, luck comes my way I guess.

Life as of late otherwise has been pretty dull. My workload has been through the roof due to my first credit project due tommorow for CMD, it rains non-stop, Andy works seven days a week, and I've been so irritated by certain people.

( Bitching )

While I'm under pressure, tired, and aggitated, I wouldn't want my life to be any other way right now.

Can't wait for the weekend.

And so the myriad of stress-induced posts start concerning school... gah. Most of the time I feel confident about my work and where I'm going. My sadness over graduating a year later has totally left me because I've had time to accept what happened, and my Junior classmates are supportive and awesome people to work with. But now, this wave of uncertainty and self-doubt has spilled over me. I'm letting the amount of work I have in front of me intimidate me and scare me. I can't let this happen. I can't fail. I won't fail. I won't.

I had a mini panic attack awhile ago. I called Andy for comfort. I feel awful calling him so late. Not only was he about to go to bed, today is his birthday. Yeah, he isn't very enthusiastic about it and dreads turning 26, but I feel terrible freaking out and crying on this day like that.

I love him so much. It's dangerous, the level of love I have for him. I'm at the point where my parents have warned me not to go. I can't help it though... he's my other half and he completes me. However, I'm beginning to have this paranoia that he'll randomly leave me one day. Absolutely nothing is wrong in our relationship. We have silly little arguments over nothing, and we've only gotten into one huge fight, but I'm just afraid of him falling out of love with me. One of my best friends recently just broke up with her girlfriend, and it seemed so out of the blue. While I am happy for her because she said her ex was too different and they never really opened up, it's so strange to see her with another girl now. It happened so fast. I know I shouldn't compare her to Andy, but I can't help but think about him potentially leaving me and quickly turning to another girl. This is so fucking irrational, I can't stand it. I wish these stupid fucking thoughts would leave me.

And yes, it's come to the point where I really, truly don't see myself with anyone else in the future. I hope we can have a future together. I have always took our relationship one day at a time, but goddammit it's so hard to think of a life without him. I can't help but mentally plan things in my head. After graduation, we'd move to Brooklyn and get an apartment together, or I stay here in Syracuse to get my masters in Art Video. I need to stop thinking this way. I'm setting up myself for a potential nightmare.

I'm off to nap for a few hours... I probably won't get a full night of sleep until Thursday. The sound of the rain is so soothing, it's definitely helping me calm down a lot.

School has officially started.

My MacBook Pro is gone for a week. The monitor doesn't work due to a defected graphics card and needed to go to the Apple Store. I'm very upset about it, because I have so much work to do and now, I have to be a slave to computer lab hours until I get it back. At least my roomie [Unknown LJ tag] is letting me use hers for email/facebook/LJ/etc.

Don't you hate it when someone you love verbally trashes another person you love? My father and I had a massive argument a week ago over the phone, which led him to yell and scream like some rabid bear. My shrink confronted him about it and said that he really regretted acting that way, but I'm still afraid to call him. My boyfriend, in his arrogant, drunk stupor decided to curse out my father in front of my friends last night. Yeah, he does some bad things but at the end of my day he's still my fucking father. He doesn't intend to hurt me.

Whatever. I think I'm in a weird funk because of the cloudy weather.

Today I'm off to the Westcott St. Fair, and Juice Jam, so I guess today will be fun. The only reason why I'm going to the latter is because of Girltalk. The other two bands I don't really care about.

Until next time...

The color of the walls is called "Yam".


I had a dream last night, where I was hosting a birthday party for a former high school friend in the garage in my parent's house. This former friend was being a downright bitch. She wouldn't take pictures if I was in them, and when I tried to get a picture with her she'd walk away. Apparently, I bought her a whole keg too. Anywho, this stupid birthday party all of a sudden turns into my preschool-8th grade school reunion in the old gymnasium. I got drunk with my preschool teacher while wearing pajama pants.

The last part = win.

I'm pretty much settled in my new place up here. All that's really left is decorating. It was just Simi and I for awhile, but Natalie and Christina came up last Sunday. I'm living with a puppy for the first time ever, so I'm excited. He's Natalie's, and he's a Boston Terrier named Rory. He's really timid and shy, but he's just getting used to us. Andy has not only helped me tremendously with the move-in, but he's also helped out my roomies as well. Each day goes by and I love him more and more. I wish my parents could see what I see in him. There's still much furniture-moving, wall-decorating, and cleaning to be done, but I'm so goddamned happy.

Here's my ugly mug after going to Green Lakes for a day. I haven't posted a picture of myself up here in ages. It's on it's side, and didn't bother to rotate it. Whatever. Lazyyyy.

Syracuse tomorrow.

I don't know if I can sleep tonight. I've waited for this day since I left.

Canada was all flavors of amazing. I will post about that later.

Summer is winding down. Where the hell did it go? My skin is still pale, and I've only been in the pool a handful of times. It's gorgeous and sunny when I'm in the office, and on the weekends it rains. I'll throw on my bikini, go outside and probably get 15 mins worth of sun, and then I see dark clouds and feel raindrops. Not fair.

Whatever. You can't have your cake and eat it too, right? I've made a good chunk of money, and being really tight with it. I love the people who I work with and have done a lot this summer, but I'm kinda iffy about one thing. I don't know if I should talk about here or not. Eh.

Two more weeks exactly until Syracuse. I can't wait. I miss having my own rhythm of life, I miss my boyfriend, I miss my friends, I miss school, and I miss doing what I want without pissing someone off. This was the weirdest summer ever, in terms of my relationship with my parents.

( Family BS )

Now, time for some lulz...

WHY would you need a vibrator in your mascara? I don't see how this enhances your eyelashes at all. I think the people at Maybelline just needed to come up with an idea for a new product and threw this on the end of an applicator. It seems like you can't even use this as a legitimate vibe anyway. Not even on your clit. Plus, you'd run the risk of smearing mascara goop all over your vag.



I love the design of this journey map, but it's full of FAIL. See how they drive from New York City and straight to Roanoke, VA? Aren't they forgetting something? You know... it lies between Maryland and Virginia. It's the capitol of the United States of America... and goes by the name of WASHINGTON, D.C. I don't understand why one would pass DC and then go straight to Roanoke, where there's... nothing. Maybe I'm too mean, and maybe the people doing this road trip had a legitimate excuse to miss a really cool stop, but Roanoke over DC? Come on now. I mean I-95 is probably is the bane of every east-coaster's existence, but it's that very highway that makes a worthwhile trip! A fruitless journey, I say! FRUITLESS! Pah!

I need to stop slacking... oh wait. There isn't much work to do. FRUITLESS LABOR! Pah!

You can never say no to kittens. You just can't.


TGIF, folks.

CANADA ROAD TRIP TOMORROW! My family and I are driving up to Quebec (10 freaking hours), stopping in Montreal, hitting up Toronto, and then spending some time at Niagara Falls. I'm super excited. I just hope that none of us looses our sanity because all four of us are going to be together for a week. If anybody knows of any cool sites where I'm going, leave a comment, plz.

My friend got free passes to see 500 Days of Summer and took me along. I don't know when it comes out, but definitely go see it when it does. It's a very cute, atypical, indie love story, with Zooey Deschanel (sp) and some dude with squinty eyes whose name I don't know and am too lazy to look up on imdb.com.

Back to newsletter designing and powerpoint (UGH) making...