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Rants, ramblings, pictures, and videos from the life of yours truly
22nd-Jun-2010 12:24 pm - deadbeatsummer.

This summer is a simultaneous mixture of good and bad, with mostly bad.

After relentlessly sending out internship applications to various design firms in New York City and making badgering phone calls to them, I was unable to snag the dream job I wanted. My whole plan was to live in the city this summer, but that plan totally bombed. My Plan B was staying in Syracuse and interning at a firm up here. I don't want to trash talk anybody, but that went under as well. Ugh. So I've applied to a myriad of part-time jobs, just so I at least can have some type of income. I had a good interview last week, so hopefully I'll be getting good news this week.

I try to tell myself to not feel so defeated. I've talked to several alumni and post-grad CMD friends who tell me that it's no big deal, but I just feel like a chump. Yes, a chump. I feel like using that word right now for some reason. If I can't land a stupid unpaid internship, could I ever land a real job when the time comes? My parents tell me it's the economy and it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel that it is.

Speaking of parents, things have been extremely hellish at home. My mom lashed out at me the first week I moved back to Syracuse, accusing me of throwing parties in my apartment, dropping out of school, and being lazy. She thought I was throwing parties because my friend Ashley, who just recently gave birth to a baby girl, wrote on my facebook wall "thanks for hanging out with me last night!". My psychotic mother assumed that instead of watching Juno with my good friend on a couch with a newborn by her side, that I was throwing ragers in my apartment. She thought I was dropping out of school because she didn't get a tuition bill in the mail. I transferred into the part-time college, so all my paperwork is different now and is different from the full-time forms. Long story short, she blew up at me for no reason because she is losing her mind. This past weekend, she did the same to my Dad and they haven't been on speaking terms. I'm just glad I'm up here.

I've been spending my days trying to keep myself busy as much as I can. I cleaned up most of the apartment and my room, cook and bake yummy things, hang out with friends... but I feel a sense of uneasiness because things at home are so shitty and because I don't have a job. I'm happy because I'm not spending another summer at home, where my parents are checking up on me all the time, but not entirely happy because I don't have anything going on for me.

But at least I have one thing that's keeping me smiling and my heart racing.... :)
21st-Apr-2010 10:26 pm - I don't want to go home
I give up on trying to be a good daughter.

All I want to be a is a good designer.
20th-Apr-2010 10:49 pm - people.
I'm tired of helping others who refuse to help themselves. I tried my hardest for awhile to pull someone out of the dark, but they depended on me way to much and tried dragging me down with them. My mentors, professors and best friends had to tell me to stop sticking out my neck for you. I'm glad I listened to them. And there's someone else too... I kind of gave up on having anything more than a platonic and flirty relationship with them because they have some pretty bad demons they need to slay before they move on.

I'm tired of fending off those who are attracted to me, but I'm not attracted to them. I know. At a first glance you're probably thinking "oh gawwwd Less, POOR YOU to have all these men vying for your attention". Eh it's not like that. It's really not great. It's more uncomfortable, if anything. There are a very few people who are genuinely attracted to my personality, I suppose, but most of the time I feel like I catch the eye of some douche who just wants to fuck around... I mean, do I like "easy"? I never thought there was something about me that screams "I FUCK EVERYONE HAAAAAYYY".

I'm tired of trying to make people like me. If i'm the one always initiating a conversation, I guess it means that you don't see me as a worthwhile individual and I should just cease my efforts.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells when I'm around those who are easily offended. I hate having to really think about what I need to say and be super cautious of what comes out of my mouth. I feel like I can't be myself around certain people like I used to. You and are walking two very different paths right now. I feel like I have to humble myself and "know my place" when certain conversation is taking place among certain people. I guess that's just the way it is. I knew this was happening. I should not be upset, this is stupid. I'm in this awkward spot between best friends who are leaving and new friends who I don't know so well but am trying to fit in with.

I'm tired of dealing with inconsiderate and careless people who have no sense of responsibility or awareness of others. You constantly take and take and take and never give back... you're selfish. I love you, but goddammit I'm so grateful for being raised with discipline and I'm so glad I'm not you. I'm so glad things weren't handed to me whenever I wanted and that I had tasks set out for me. I worry for you and your life. You expect things to be handed to you and you have no empathy. You don't think about others when you make decisions, and it fucking frightens me.

Most importantly

You came back in my life. I gave you your time. I still don't forgive you. But you seemed so sincere and so sweet... I felt like I was in the past when I was with you for that short time. I have to shake everything off and know that you can't be trusted. I really do.

But what can I do?
I'm nearly pulling an all-nighter for free software from some film majors. I'm on a couch, watching a bunny named Humphreyz eat a paper towel soaked in beer, while I'm drinking a beer, and it's almost 6 AM.

This is my life.
23rd-Mar-2010 01:11 am - Rain = end of Spring Break

This picture is totally irrelevant. However, it's cute and it's going up here. Yup.

I had a pretty relaxing Spring Break, here in Syracuse.

Home in Virginia is a very stressful environment and after a stressful midterm week, coming home to even more stress would have made me flip out, or something. I love my parents and everything they do, but ever since the recession hit the house is full of these nerve-wrecking, gloomy vibes. In this situation, it sucks when your parents own a business together and that business hasn't been doing so hot. After awhile, I get sick of hearing the same saddening shit over and over again at the dinner table. My mother fully understands. Saturday morning I was going to make a surprise visit just for a few days. However, I was so tired and emotionally drained from the week that I slept through my alarm and woke up past noon. I called her crying, how I needed to rest, and was not fit for the six hour drive. She told me to stay up here, rest up, and that it was going to be ok.

So yeah... I went to Rochester for the night to visit Colleen. We hung out, went out, and ate out - it was really nice catching up with her, and getting away for the night. My apartment was creeping me the fuck out, I didn't want to be alone, and I just wanted to do something with someone I care about.

A lot of my friends came back for the week to do work and whatnot, so I spent most of my time at the Warehouse. Aside from applying to internships, updating my resume, and working on 450, I also hung out in Manlius with my new friend Andrea (locals are the shiiiiiit), drank, hung out, and snuck into the Sheraton pool one night. It was quiet, relaxing, laid back, and what I needed.

I hate being selfish. I hate being self-absorbed. I hate having these whims of uncertainty, doubt, and loneliness and think "omgz I am the only one who feels this way". I really feel like no one understands me or gets me. You've heard this exact phrase before, and I have heard it before. But honestly, I haven't met anyone who gets me. Sometimes I feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by the people I love... I don't know if that's fucked up or if it's that a bad thing. I just feel like I'm always misconstrued as a loudmouth, or something negative. But then again, would I want people to get me? Would I want people to fully understand what my intentions are and why I do what I do? I don't know...

It's super rainy and it's back to reality. I wrote a new design manifesto in my tumblr. I'm so determined to break faces with my work. I just want to be a super awesome graphic designer and be successful. This is the only thing that matters to me right now.

Or is it?
8th-Mar-2010 04:39 pm - I <3 Syracuse
I can't bring myself to pay attention right now. I'm in my Japanese Design lecture, and learning about Noh theater isn't my thing right now.

Syracuse is strangely sunny and beautiful right now. It's 46 degrees and bright outside, meaning I'm wearing my new aviators and my cherished moccasins today. It's making this midterms week not so shitty.

Anywho, since I last made a big post, I've gotten myself tangled with guys here and there. I might embellish on all this fuckery in a later, friends-only post. But for now, I just want to say that boys have proven to be nothing but pure epic fail, and as Lady Gaga has recently said, your career and what your passions in life are the only things you can really fall back on and trust in life.

I also got into some beef with one of my best friends. We talked things over, but it's going to take some time to fully be resolved. I'm really going to miss the Comm Designers of 2010 (a.k.a. my original class). I've kinda kept the thought of them graduating and leaving Syracuse on a back shelf in my mind for awhile now. But graduation is coming close, and the next thing I know it I'm going to find myself in the Carrier Dome in May sitting in the bleachers trying to hold back my tears, watching them walk in their caps and gowns.

I bought a black beanie the other day. It's sort of a Comm Design thing. Several people happen to wear them, so we joke that to be a good designer, you need a black or a dark grey beanie, haha. I've always thought that this kind of hang would look dumb on me, but I really like it, so I've put down the comb and hairspray for awhile and have decided to give my hair a break from all the heavy teasing I do daily to make it look big and poofy.

I have a huge sense of school spirit that most of my peers don't really have. So many of my friends dislike living in this town and being in this university, and are always eager to go home. But I love it here, and I love college. Okay, so I made plenty of mistakes, had my heart broken, bombed a semester, and went through some personal things. Sure. But These past years have been the best ones of my life. I enjoy being on my own, meeting people, and making friends who I relate to so well. I love my apartment on Sumner, having my studio space downtown at the Warehouse, hanging out on Westcott St, walking around campus... I love it all. I don't go to the basketball games, nor do I religiously watch them, but hearing about Syracuse winning games and being #1 makes me so happy. I bought a "WE ARE SU / WE ARE #1" shirt the other day. People made fun of me saying that the shirt is "irrelevant" because we lost to Louisville Saturday, but I don't care. Syracuse is my school, and will always be #1 in my heart.

Oh, I got another tattoo. It's of a compass with a rose in my inner forearm. I'll put a pic of that up laterrrr.

Back to class.
As you can assume, Comm Design has firmly gripped my time again.

Lots of things have been happening.
Lots of things have happened.
Lots of things happened that should not have happened.
Lots of things will happen, hopefully.

I will talk all about these things soon.

11th-Jan-2010 01:51 am - LAMBADA
Just like the next music fan next to me or any other person, I have a mental list of favorite songs that I have carried with me throughout my life. Each song is linked to a memory, a person, a trip, a semester, etc. I'm not really breaking any new ground by explaining how we all adhere songs to memories and vice versa; it's pretty much understood, so I won't digress... I don't like ranked lists, but Kaoma's "Lambada" would be in my Top 5.

Yes, this portuguese song that was a global dance hit back in '89 and '90 is one the most significant tracks of my existence.

It's by this French band, Kaoma featuring some Brazilian chick singing. Apparently, it's a very controversial song because the band stole this from a Bolivian group, translated it from Spanish to Portuguese, and didn't ask for permission. So yeah, it's blatant plagiarism, but whatever.

I remember being really little and listening to this song in the old townhouse I used to live in with my parents before we moved. It was a humble little beige-bricked home nestled between two other houses with a dogwood in the front. My father was always a global music fan, and still is and has traveled to Brazil so it doesn't surprise me that he would have an appreciation for a song like this. He would blast this song from the stereo system in the family room on Sundays when we were all getting ready to go somewhere special, like brunch at the Melrose on Easter, my Aunt's house in Fairfax, or to some restaurant. He'd sweep me off my feet while I would still being wearing whatever Disney princess nightgown I had at the moment, and run through the hallway near the staircase, back and forth, to this song. I loved it.

It was better than any ride at a theme park or merry-go-round I had ever been on. Just being held in his arms, and feeling my hair blow around, while giggling was the best thing ever. The song was upbeat, catchy, and energetic. My Dad would be half-way done with getting ready, wearing his Versace jeans, but still wearing an undershirt; gelled back hair, yet there were still little bits of shaving foam around his face.

I've heard this song from time to time ever since, but never had the desire to look up what it meant or look in to it at all. I've always assumed it had to do with love just like any other song. The only word I understood was "amor" because it's the same thing in Spanish. But I looked it up, and goddammit - it describes my life now and how I feel towards someone. It's a little freaky.

Here's the official music video. Let me remind you that this is Brazil at the end of the 80s so there is booty shots and bad fashion. If you're easily offended (you shouldn't be reading my blog anyway), do not play it.

The one who made me cry has gone crying one day
The one who made me cry, has gone crying one day
He’ll be crying when he remembers a love
That he didn’t care one day
He’ll be crying when he remembers a love
That he didn’t care one day

The memory will be with him where he goes
The memory will be forever where I go

Dance, sun and sea I’ll keep on my look
Love makes (us) lose and find
I’ll be dancing lambada when I remember that this love
One day was king for an instant

The memory will be with him where he goes
The memory will be forever where I go

He’ll be crying when remembers a love
That he didn’t care one day
Song, laugh and pain melody of love
A moment that lasts in the air

My life mantra is also repeated through this... Cançăo riso e dor melodia de amor / Um momento que fica no ar (Song, laugh and pain melody of love /A moment that lasts in the air). Everything is ephemeral, along with the relationships we have. Of course we change as people and things change around us. Me, being naive, always thought that the one constant that was an exception from this phenomenon of change was the relationship I have with certain people. Men, especially. I always thought that I'm forever going to be Daddy's little girl. And I always thought that forever, I would be a certain somebody's someone. While family and love are amongst the things we regard as important and vital in life, I have often forgotten that they are subject to change, just like everything else in the universe, intangible and tangible. Just because things change, however, that doesn't mean they end. And even if they do end, you can only hold on to the memories, and keep looking forward, while dancing the lambada.
25th-Dec-2009 01:03 am - Tumblr
I got a Tumblr!


No, I'm not leaving LJ. I'm using this blog for quotes, images, audio, design, and other artsy fartsy things. I will still spill out my guts and soul on LJ, don't worry. Even if it is the grandpa of internet blogs.

Oh, and Merry Christmasssss, children!
22nd-Dec-2009 05:03 pm - Here's another
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black
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